Horrorful

WALLPAPER: Black Christmas

2011-11-15T21:19:00.001-05:00

Do you just love the holiday season so much you'd stick it down your pants if you could? Do you wish you could do something about your incredibly ugly desktop screen? Are you a female who wishes to finally rid herself of those unsightly anal pubes?

Okay, I can't help with that last one, but if the first two questions apply to you, then you're in luck! Fortunately for you, I just created a very festive and heart-warming wallpaper for the 1974 horror classic, Black Christmas! What better way to celebrate the holidays than to adorn your computer screen with a dead girl sitting in a rocking chair?

Well, okay, there are probably much better ways to celebrate. Being able to eat all the cookies in my house and then blaming it on Santa is particularly exhilarating for me. But either way, this wallpaper sure is neat-o.

Some years ago, I created a Black Christmas wallpaper specifically for the awesome RetroSlashers.net (which you can see HERE). But when I look at it now, it kinda makes me want to punch myself in the face. Quite frankly, it's a piece of shit. So now, with a few more years of Photoshop experience under my belt, I decided it was finally time to update that old piece of shit, and this was the result. I'm definitely not 100% happy with it, but compared to that old one, it kinda looks like a masterpiece. So...yeah.

Head on over to the Downloads section for more of my custom desktop wallpapers.

Grave Encounters

2011-10-28T17:06:00.000-04:00

I realize this admission will probably cause a ton of eye rolls in the heads of snobby film buffs across the globe, but I'm just going to say it — I absolutely love the "found footage" approach to horror filmmaking. That's right. All you film buffs can suck it!

This minimalist filmmaking style, which has now basically become an official subgenre of horror, has a sense of realism to it that allows for a very eerie and unsettling atmosphere that most polished Hollywood films fail to produce. Films like The Blair Witch Project, Paranormal Activity and [REC] are perfect examples of the "found footage" approach being used to its full, scary-as-hell potential.

Grave Encounters, unfortunately, follows the blueprints of its predecessors a little too closely, feeling like a very obvious collection of recycled bits from the aforementioned films and even others like Session 9 and House On Haunted Hill. I'm not one to dismiss a film solely based on its lack of originality, but Grave Encounters totally misses the mark by forgetting what really makes these films work.

The plot revolves around a group of paranormal investigators who lock themselves up in an abandoned asylum to film an episode for their reality TV show. At first, the crew only seems interested in building up the asylum's history with a lot of juicy lies, courtesy of paid "witnesses" and a phony psychic. After having a few odd experiences while wandering around the decrepit building, the crew soon realize that faking the evidence won't be necessary at all.

Having seen a lot of the ghost hunting shows on TV, I know how fake some of them can be, so I thought it was rather refreshing to see this film poke fun at the unreality of reality TV. But at the same time, this obviously made all of the characters instantly loathsome. They're money hungry frauds decieving their audience. The host of the show, Lance, is fairly convincing as a parody of a typical reality show host and I appreciated that. But in order to accomplish this, he had to be incredibly pompous and irritating beyond belief. This of course is a major issue, considering he was given the role of carrying the entire film. The rest of the characters are just as annoying as they do absolutely nothing but childishly bicker back and forth for the majority of the film. If we hate the characters and can't relate to them, how are we expected to be entertained or thrilled by their situation? Simply put, we just won't care. And I didn't.

At first, I was actually somewhat entertained and intrigued by Grave Encounters on a very basic level and I enjoyed the reason behind the crew's inability to escape the building. Instead of their confinement simply being a result of locked doors and barred windows, there was a supernatural twist added that made things rather disorienting and stressful. I will admit that it did affect me. This cool idea, however, seriously overstays its welcome and becomes rather tiresome. Unfortunately, this is also true of every other aspect of Grave Encounters. The bickering characters, the running around, the apparitions with CG'd faces — it all gets extremely old and tiring very quickly and I found myself constantly checking the time to see how much longer the movie would last.

Grave Encounters marks the filmmaking debut of a duo who call themselves The Vicious Brothers, and this pretty much says it all. They're inexperienced filmmakers who like the prosaic and ostentatious (as proved by their name). The "found footage" approach is meant to be subtle and realistic and that's not exactly what we're given here. Grave Encounters may not work as a whole, but it does have its moments and it will be enjoyed by some. For me, however, it was a total chore to sit through. The Vicious Brothers are not totally without talent, they just clearly need a lot more practice.

RATING:

Children of the Corn: Genesis

2011-09-26T21:19:00.002-04:00

Have you ever met someone who actually loved the original Children of the Corn? I sure haven't. Even Stephen King, who wrote the short story the film was based on, considers it an embarrassment. Made on a meager budget with King's name plastered all over the advertisements, it comes as no surprise that the film made a decent profit during its theatrical run. But considering the film's quality and the fact that it really doesn't have a fanbase at all, let alone a big one, it's rather baffling that the "Children" didn't die back there in 1984, but instead spawned one crappy direct-to-video sequel after another over a span of almost 30 years.

How the heck did that happen?!

Here we are now, in 2011, and once again we're given yet another tale of "He who walks behind the rows" in Children of the Corn: Genesis. Knowing how lame the series was right from the start, my decision to watch the 8th entry was obviously an odd choice, and I suppose that explains why the series is still around — No matter how hard we try to stay away, our morbid curiosity always gets the better of us. But in a rather shocking turn of events, I was left absolutely dumbfounded when I realized this latest sequel is actually (here it comes!) not that bad.

*Feel free to gasp*

As the film begins, we're introduced to a young couple stranded with a broken-down car on a deserted scenic route somewhere out in California. They wander along the road in search of a town, and find shelter in the isolated farm house of creepy old Preacher (Billy Drago) and his Russian mail-order bride. When the guests realize something is rotten in the state of Denmark and discover a child is being kept locked up in a shed out back, the couple find themselves trapped by an unseen force that refuses to let them leave.

The entirety of the film takes place in this one house and, in all honesty, not much really happens. Save for the quick 1973 prologue at the beginning of the film, there isn't any children-run-amok violence here that you would expect from this series. This is a shame, I suppose, but there are a number of other sequels that can quench that thirst, so I guess a different approach was necessary at this point. Instead of violence, the film relies on the mystery of it all as we're given a ghost-like apparition roaming the house, psychokinetic activity and twisty characters that can't be trusted.

All of it, admittedly, is rather bare, tame and underdeveloped and by the time the second half rolls around, it does get a bit cheesy. But when all is said and done, I actually quite like where the story ended up going, feeling like the whole film was just an ominous precursor for a much bigger story. Director Joel Soisson handled the material and miniscule budget surprisingly well, creating a polished, decently acted mystery that kept me entertained till the very end.

Considering the fact that Children of the Corn: Genesis is a low budget direct-to-video and the 7th sequel in a pretty damn cruddy series, I have to say it's reasonably successful for what it is. Based on these considerations, I'm going to give it a decently positive review. It was cheap entertainment and it worked for me, although I realize I'm probably in the minority on this one (if the minority consists of myself and no one else). If you feel like giving this one a chance, I say go for it. But bear in mind that it's a b-movie after all, so know what you're getting yourself into.

RATING:

LaDonna Don't Like That: Blood Smearing

2011-09-11T19:45:00.000-04:00

Horror movies can be so resourceful sometimes.

What should you do if you hear blood curdling screams in the dark? Assume it's the wind!

What should you do if your boyfriend goes missing, along with many other people? Get naked and take a shower!

What should you do if you receive threatening phone calls just after a lunatic escaped from an insane asylum? Ignore it!

Wait...what?

Okay, nevermind. Maybe the horror genre isn't the best place to look for answers to life's problems. Sometimes the actions of horror film characters can leave you scratching your head, but most of the time I'm able to forgive them as I find their stupidity to be quite charming.

Sometimes, however, I just can't let it slide. I don't know why, but the one particular thing that really drives me crazy is the smearing of blood. Someone will get blood dripped or sprayed all over their skin and clothing, at which point they figure the best thing to do is...smear it?

Case in point, see how it goes from this:

To this:

Or, even worse, from this:

To this:

WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!

Madness??? THIS...IS...SPAR—Why on earth would you assume that rubbing the blood all over the place would somehow make it better? I've been told, however, that smearing is the mark of a true man:

So maybe that explains it. But as you can see...smearing made him PIERCE THE FUCKING TOAST, proving my point that smearing is never a good thing. But of course, someone always has to be an idiot.

I HATE THAT!!! And I'm pretty sure LaDonna don't like that shit either...

Best Worst Movie

2011-09-09T10:47:00.000-04:00

As a young'un, I must have passed by the dusty old Troll films sitting lonely on the horror shelves of my local video store about a billion times. I recall the cover art catching my eye on numerous occasions, drawing me in for closer inspection of the worn out VHS boxes. I never felt the need to actually rent them, though, as they seemed, for lack of a better word, stupid. It wasn't until years later, after having learned of Troll 2's cult status, that I decided to finally give in, initially doubting that it could possibly be as ridiculous as its reputation would lead you to believe.

In short—it is every bit as ridiculous as its reputation would lead you to believe.

Whenever I see an incredibly awful movie, I can't help but wonder: Are the filmmakers and actors involved truly not aware that they're making a really, really bad movie? Does this realization at least occur after their first viewing of the completed film? Surely these people must be crazy if they never have this realization at all...right?

Right.

Best Worst Movie, a documentary about the notoriously bad Troll 2, tackles some of these questions with a surprisingly heartfelt approach and actually makes me feel guilty for allowing that old VHS to collect dust all those years ago.

The doc follows actor George Hardy, now working as a dentist in a small Alabama town where everyone knows and adores him. He and his family treat his Troll 2 days as an embarrassment best left forgotten. It was painfully obvious that it wasn't a good film and even his mother admits "he's no Cary Grant."

The filmmakers responsible for the disaster were a married couple straight from Italy who didn't seem to speak much English (or none at all?) and yet thought they knew more about American culture than even the American actors themselves. After all these years, they remain absolutely proud of their film, explaining how it dealt with important issues in life and how the odd story of vegetarian trolls was actually a "ferocious analysis of today's society."

Save for a few actors who actually share this enthusiasm (who obviously aren't playing with a full deck—one even admits his casting came immediately after his release from an institution), most of the cast look back on the memories of Troll 2 as a laughable embarrassment. But it soon becomes quite clear that their humorous dismissal of the film is really just a mask for their enormous feelings of disappointment.

The director of this documentary is Michael Stephenson, who played George Hardy's on-screen son. He explains how utterly sad it was to see how terrible the film turned out to be and how quickly it fell into obscurity. His dreams of becoming a big time actor were shattered right then and there after his first viewing of Troll 2. And then something astonishing happened. T-shirts and costumes were made, annual Troll 2 parties were established and soon enough, the cast and crew were making appearances at horror movie conventions, signing autographs and getting standing ovations. All these years later, George and his fellow cast members were finally able to enjoy the limelight.

But even with its somewhat large cult following, nothing could truly erase the disappointment they all felt upon the film's initial release. As George is followed to horror movie conventions, he's forced to walk around and introduce himself, as no one seems to know who he is. The longing in his eyes makes it almost painful to watch. When asked if he'd be willing to appear in another Troll film, George responds with a resounding yes. No hesitation in his voice.

Best Worst Movie is a sweet, wistful documentary that proves that even bottom-of-the-barrel horror movies are made with love and hope. Troll 2 may not be considered brilliant art, and it may not be loved worldwide, but it will always have its place. In the end, that's all that really matters.

RATING:

New Pumpkin Stencil

2011-09-07T18:12:00.000-04:00

Halloween is just around the corner and, like many a nerd, I'm starting to get those "special" feelings in my pantaloons. To prepare for this awesome occasion, I started working on a whole new batch of custom pumpkin stencils! For my first new creation, I drew inspiration from Kim Basinger's well known freeze-frame face from the 1981 TV movie, Killjoy. And by "well known," I mean about two people know of this image—myself included.

I made two versions of the stencil; one with her hands on the side of her face (which looks super awkward) and one without them. I realize, either way, that this stencil is kind of a big fail, but I figured I'd post it anyway. It's my first attempt at a pumpkin stencil in over a year, so I'm just a bit rusty. Hopefully I'll get back in the pumpkin-carving groove real soon and churn out some much cooler ones before the month is up.

But in the meantime, go ahead and print this sucker out and carve an awesome pumpkin that will make all your friends super jealous! (NOTE: No one will be jealous.)

Head on over to the Downloads section for more of my (better) pumpkin stencils and carving instructions.

Sorority House Massacre 2

2011-08-22T18:54:00.002-04:00

The original Sorority House Massacre was an awfully boring and generic Halloween clone that had absolutely nothing new or exciting to offer. I was so annoyed by it that I actually started up a list of all the blatant Halloween similarities as I watched.

It was a ginormous list, I tells ya.

Under these circumstances, I obviously assumed the sequel would be a steaming pile of poo. And, well..it is. But it sure is a tasty pile of poo!

Inspired by a few set-pieces at Roger Corman’s studio, Jim Wynorski filmed “The Séance,” a supernatural themed slasher that was completely unrelated to the original Sorority House Massacre. But soon after completion, the title was changed for what I assume was just a marketing ploy—a very odd marketing ploy, I may add. Were people really clamoring for a sequel to such a crappy film?

But anyway, the film starts with a fresh group of college girls moving in to the previously abandoned Hockstatter place with intentions of fixing it up and turning it into the hottest sorority in town. But as a bad storm approaches, the girls receive a very unwelcome visit from their creepy new neighbor, Orville Ketchum, who explains that the house was obviously abandoned for good reason; five years prior, a crazed family man brutally murdered his wife and kids there and no one has touched the place since.

Haven given the girls quite a scare, they inevitably decide to strip to their undies, get wasted and do a little exploring—the perfectly logical next step after being scared shitless. Upon discovering an ominous basement filled with psychotic trinkets and keepsakes, they come across a convenient Ouija board and decide to attempt contact with the deceased murder, at which point the scantily clad bodies quickly start a-droppin’.

Now let us take a moment to wonder how these girls even got accepted into college in the first place. After only about twenty minutes in, we have a haunted house where brutal murders took place, a Ouija board, a bad storm, no phone and a creepy slob living across the street who seems to be watching their every move…and yet the girls think it best to strip off their clothes an unnecessary amount of times and contact the dead?

WHAT THE WHAT?!

I guess I can’t really blame them, though. After all, what would slashers be without stupid girls making stupid decisions, right? Jim Wynorski may not be the greatest horror film writer, but he obviously knows how to turn ridiculous into gold. Sorority House Massacre 2 is a hilariously good time, taking a very tired slasher formula and spicing it up with a few surprises and heaps of blood, never allowing for a dull moment. I even had fun second guessing myself as the killer's identity was kept a secret till the very end. At one point, one of the suspects gets quite the brutal beating and ends up not even being the killer after all. How amazing is that?!

Oh, and did I mention Mr. Wynorski is an uber perv? All of his films play out like softcore porn wrapped in horror movie clothing, and Sorority House Massacre 2 is certainly no exception with its abundance of skimpy lingerie, big fake boobs and slow, sensual shower-taking so the characters don’t have to go to bed “feeling dirty.” And to top it all off, there’s a relatively pointless scene in a strip club at the end as the film’s last hurrah for nudity, as if there wasn’t enough nudity as it were.

Bless this man.

To quote Joe Bob Briggs, "There may have been better horror films made, but not with this many women in their underwear." I think I’ll just have to leave it at that.

RATING:

"Like a kid in the horror section of a video store."

2011-06-06T19:46:00.000-04:00

You know that expression "like a kid in a candy store" that's used to convey extreme excitement and happiness? Well, for me, the more appropriate expression is "like a kid in the horror section of a video store." I guess that doesn't exactly have the same ring to it, but whatevs!

Back in the mid-90's, there was this video store in my town called Moovies (which later turned into Video Update). Pretty much every Saturday afternoon, I'd beg my dad to bring me there and he'd always refuse...until I busted out the sad puppy eyes, that is. And when I'd arrive, he'd tell me I could only rent ONE movie and only spend about FIVE minutes deciding what I wanted...

...and then three hours later, I'd have three movies in my hands and look like this:

And my dad would look like this:

It sure was goooood times. But anyway, for about a week now, I've been feeling extra nostalgic and I haven't been able to satiate my craving to relive the amazing memories of those long lost days. So I decided to recreate it as best as possible by making a custom DVD cover that resembles one of those old, beat up VHS covers you would have see in the horror section back then. And what better choice of movie to make this cover for than Home For The Holidays, the ABC Movie of the Week produced by Aaron Spelling and starring Sally Field.

To make the cover, I drew inspiration from a few actual VHS cover templates from the 80's and mashed them together; using rainbows, dull colors, plenty of grunge and scratches and even a genre sticker to make it appear more video store authentic. Of course making a DVD cover in 2011 comes with some requirements, like the aspect ratio bar on the front and the appropriate film/company credits on the back. But I think it blends with the retro designs nicely enough not to ruin the overall effect.

Click image for larger preview

CLICK HERE for the print-ready version.

I must say, staring at this cover right now is actually getting me seriously close to jizzing in my pantaloons. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!

Opera

2011-05-09T18:05:00.003-04:00

Hours before the new opera production of Macbeth is to premiere, its lead gets injured in an unfortunate accident, forcing her inexperienced understudy, Betty, to step in. Betty's reservations about taking on the role in this supposedly cursed opera proves valid when a fanatic psycho shows up with a serious obsession with bloody voyeurism.

After being tied up, sharp sewing needles are placed under Betty's eyelids to prevent her from closing them and forcing her to watch as this psycho brutally butchers one person after another.

I don't quite know how to feel about Dario Argento at this point; my thoughts on him tend to drastically change from one moment to the next. After seeing Suspiria for the first time as a young'un....I hated it. But as time went on, it began to grow on me more and more until it ended up as one of my favorite films and Argento became a master of horror. This hate/love system has pretty much become routine for me when it comes to his films, and I can feel it happening once again with Opera.

Argento's iconic style is mostly present here with much attention paid to visuals and the giallo techniques we've come to expect from him. The giallo-rific killer, roaming around in the shadows wearing the typical ski mask and black leather gloves, doesn't exactly go easy on his victims, stopping only when buckets of blood have been shed and Betty, forcibly watching, has been treated to a "great" show. Unfortunately, though, the killer's show didn't exactly work for me. I didn't necessarily enjoy the murders, nor was I disturbed by it, leaving me feeling very underwhelmed by it all. And considering how the film's success relies on voyeurism and the affects it has on people, this is a major flaw, ultimately hindering Opera from being as great as it should have been.

Between the killer's vague motive and Betty's odd choice of actions that leave you scratching your head, the characters/actors in this film are laughable at best. Most of the actors use inappropriate body language and facial expressions and are topped off with some truly dumb dialogue and awful English dubbing by voice actors who clearly don't know the meaning of subtlety, all amalgamating into a big, unrealistic mess.

However harsh that may sound, though, that's not to say the film is an altogether failure. The setting of the opera house, the opera itself and the clever use of ravens, which automatically invoke thoughts of Poe, drench the film in a gothic tone that compliments the giallo approach quite nicely. Although the voyeurism theme isn't entirely successful, it's still worked into the story well in other ways, keeping you on edge as everyone seems to have a creepy, watchful eye. And it makes you wonder what message Argento was even trying to convey in the first place. Are horror film directors as sick as this killer, who forces Betty to watch him kill? Are we Betty, watching these bloody films that they make? How are we meant to be affected by such grotesque imagery? These ideas are enough to make the film an intriguing watch.

In the end, I'm still not entirely sure how to feel about Opera or Argento. As I mentioned earlier, I always start out hating his films, but then grow to like them as time goes by. So who knows how I'll feel about Opera in the future. But at the moment, I'm going to give it a marginally favorable review and recommend it to those giallo fans out there. Opera clearly has style, gore and some great ideas—enough to make me appreciate the film, but not quite enough for me to like it all that much.

RATING:

CUSTOM DVD COVER: Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark

2011-01-23T15:30:00.003-05:00

Once again, the Warner Archive Collection does good by releasing the much sought-after Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark, a classic TV fright flick that apparently scared the crap out of every child in the 70's. But once again, the Warner Archive Collection does bad by producing a really cruddy DVD cover that doesn't do it justice (see it HERE). To be fair, I am very well aware and grateful that the Warner Archive Collection is just trying to make these films available to the public and it has to be done cheaply for this to happen, but I mean...come on, now. Can't they put even the slightest bit of effort into their cover designs?

Making my own custom cover for the movie seemed like an absolute requirement so I could rid the world of that awful abomination. I hope someone out there will put this to good use. I know the design is a little odd and not exactly perfect, but it sure is totally boss compared to the real cover, ain't it? (**lie and say yes or I'll cry**)

CLICK HERE to download the full-resolution, printable version.

The Final

2010-10-25T19:58:00.005-04:00

The plot of The Final is simple: A group of picked-upon high school outcasts devise a plan to invite all of their tormentors to a private Halloween costume party, drug them, chain them up and give them their just desserts by way of physical torture.

The point of The Final, however, is not so simple. In one Saw-like scene, a chained-up bully is given the opportunity to save herself from pain by inflicting pain on one of the other captives. She refuses and has to suffer the consequences.

This, in a nutshell, proves just how dumb, confused and ultimately pointless The Final is.

In the aftermath of Columbine, filmmakers have generally shied away from storylines involving students being murdered and those that didn't were mostly shunned (even Ginger Snaps caused some Columbine related controversy before it was even made and that was a frickin werewolf movie!). The filmmakers behind The Final clearly weren't concerned about causing a stir and decided to go right for the throat. What bothered me most about this film, though, was not the fact that it tackled such a touchy subject—no, I encourage such things—but rather how it was tackled.

Kids being bullied to the very edge of sanity is unfortunately a very real part of life that quite often ends in tragedy. Petty insults being flung at you by a total jerk in your class may not seem like much from the outside, but to a teen, it's all there is and it absolutely has the ability to destroy you. Everyone—and I do mean everyone—can relate to this and sympathize with it. However, the significance, severity and reality of this issue seems to have been completely lost on shallow-minded writer Jason Kabolati. He obviously doesn't understand kids at all, nor does he seem to have a clear idea of what point he's trying to make, which made it impossible to sympathize with any of it.

The Final takes an important issue and exploits it to the nth degree, turning it into something along the lines of Hostel or Saw. Creepy masks are worn, diabolical speeches are made, banjos are played, heavy metal is blasted and strobe lights fill the room while kids are tortured, all for the sake of horror movie atmosphere. One of the characters even says that all his years of watching horror movies are finally being put to good use, which just plain infuriated me. Is Kabolati suggesting that horror fans are psychos who are bound to snap at some point? Is he suggesting that the existence of bloody horror movies are dangerous to our youth? If that's the case, then why the hell did he write a horror movie like this?

The bullied teens are nothing but pathetic caricatures who prove themselves to be ignorant and obnoxious beyond belief. The leader of the group, Dane (Marc Donato), justifies his actions by saying that God would have stopped him if what he was doing was wrong. If he truly believes that God would stop any wrong-doing, then why didn't God stop the jocks at his school from picking on him? Does that mean that they deserved to be picked on?

When some of the captives are given the option to inflict pain on the others in order to be spared, doesn't this totally defeat the purpose? Teens who constantly pick on their peers are usually doing it to feel better about themselves. So weren't these bullies already inflicting pain on others to spare themselves in their everyday lives? Isn't the whole point to prove that this kind of cruel behavior is wrong? So why then, when a captive refuses to play along, do they punish her for it?

The one thing I liked about The Final was the absence of most adults. Parents and teachers are present in the film, but their faces are either left off camera or somehow concealed. This made the loneliness of being a teen more apparent and I think that was a good move on director Joey Stewart's part. But other than that minor detail, I'll just be totally blunt and sum up The Final as an extremely pathetic excuse for a film that says all the wrong things with an endless string of contradictory messages that prove nothing other than the fact that Jason Kabolati is a total douche bag.

RATING:

Dark House

2010-10-18T12:38:00.007-04:00

Three little girls approach the front gate of the Darrode house, a spooky place where the "weird kids" live. One of the girls explains that they're just foster kids and decides to enter the house to prove there's absolutely nothing to be afraid of. But to her surprise, what she finds inside is the site of a massacre; kids strewn about in each of the rooms in a big bloody mess and the foster mother, Mrs. Darrode, with her arm shredding in a garbage disposal.

Cut to present day and 21 year old Claire Thompson (Meghan Ory) is struggling with the memories of that awful night, something therapy and medication can't seem to help. But when her college acting class is given the well-paid opportunity to work in the Darrode house, now a flashy haunted house attraction run by kooky Walston Ray (Jeffrey Combs), Claire is quick to accept, seeing this as the perfect way to finally face her fears.

Once inside, Claire and the handful of other students are given a very short tour and informed that all the spooky characters found throughout the house are actually computer generated holographic images. Courtesy of the latest technology, these holograms appear as real as can be, and courtesy of Mrs. Darrode, they're about to become deadly!!!

(cue scary music)

In a cheesy sequence that makes no sense, Mrs. Darrode's spirit somehow manages to enter into the computer system like a virus and take control of the holographic characters, turning them from realistic to downright real. And from there on out, no time is wasted in starting up another massacre.

Haunted house attractions are—let's face it—not very scary. Most of the time they're pretty corny and unconvincing but they still somehow never manage to fail at charming the crap out of the little Halloween-loving kid that we all are deep down. Dark House tries and almost succeeds at capturing that same charm, but ultimately falls flat with a cheap and awkward looking set and an atmosphere that's all wrong; Halloween is no where to be felt in this house, and considering the house itself seems to be the main character, this is a major flaw. Once Mrs. Darrode takes over the system and turns it into a real haunted house, the phony atmopshere continues on the same path when it should have obviously made a big change.

While watching Dark House, I found myself reminded of the House On Haunted Hill remake. That film revolved around another kooky tycoon, known for his scary theme parks, who invites a group of strangers into a haunted house with the offer of one million dollars each if they survive through the night. While it really wasn't all that great of a horror film, it certainly knew what it wanted to be and accomplished it; it was an over-the-top nod to haunted house attractions and films and it worked because it seemed very self-aware. Dark House, on the other hand, lacks this awareness and comes across as too silly as a result.

Written and directed by Darrin Scott, writer of the horror anthology classic, Tales From The Hood, Dark House is quite the disappointment in comparison. But it is a low-budget b-movie after all, and with the always pleasurable presence of Jeffrey combs and some passable acting and special effects (the very little CGI used looked fairly well done and all of the ghosts, thankfully, are portrayed by real people, so there's no Syfy Channel crap to be seen here), I can't quite say that it's a total failure.

Dark House is a very light, easily digestible romp that makes me feel bad for being too hard on it, but in the end, it just can't quite hold up. I know it will find an audience out there somewhere, but for the general horror fan, I'm going to have to say this über-corny house is not worth a visit.

RATING:

Population 436

2010-09-13T01:26:00.006-04:00

Jeremy Sisto plays Steve Kady, a Chicagoan census taker sent to the incredibly small town of Rockwell Falls to...take the census. On his way, he's picked up by Deputy Bobby (Fred Durst) after his tires are damaged by a couple of conveniently placed potholes, allowing for a lengthier stay than he intended.

What he finds is a warm, welcoming community in a seemingly idyllic town completely devoid of crime or even hatred. But once his job is underway, he notices that something is a bit off; the town's population has always remained at the exact same total and the creepy townsfolk are obviously hiding something. When a beautiful, mysterious girl fuels his suspicions, he realizes Rockwell Falls isn't the perfect town it appears to be and his life may actually be in danger.

Rather than exploiting gore and nudity as most modern horror films do, Population 436 goes for a much more low-key approach, relying heavily on mystery and atmosphere to keep us entertained. And though it is very refreshing to see a film that's not afraid of taking this less traveled old-school route, first-time filmmaker Michelle Maxwell MacLaren isn't quite up to the task to make it work to its full potential.

Getting stranded with a strange little religious community out in the middle of nowhere is a great set-up for a horror movie, but with such a strong resemblance to the basic themes of The Wicker Man and even The Stepford Wives, we're ultimately left with very little surprises or thrills and, instead, are treated to lots of underdevelopment. All of the characters and ideas presented in the film are so paper-thin that it was nearly impossible to feel any real connection or threat. Take for instance the character of Courtney (Charlotte Sullivan) who tries to warn Steve of the town. Her whole purpose in the story, it seems, is just to look beautiful and say ominous, vague things that accomplish absolutely nothing. How can we take the threat seriously when she's being so subtle about it? And considering how vague and useless her character is, it's obviously a little baffling when Steve ends up falling in love with her about fifteen minutes after meeting her.

The town itself, while certainly appearing to be out in the middle of nowhere, looked a bit too phony to me, and though most of the residents were passable as small town folk, some of them stuck out like sore thumbs, altogether making Rocking Falls a very unconvincing town. I mean, how much belief can be put into a town where Fred Durst is a deputy?

However, I have to give Population 436 its due credit. Although you'd be hard pressed to find much originality here and plenty of questions remain unanswered by the film's end, it's certainly not a bad way to spend an hour and a half. As a fan of the classics, I appreciated the slow-burn style it meant to achieve and I admit it definitely has its moments. As a direct-to-DVD release, Population 436 is a fairly good film for it's kind, leaving us with just enough to keep us entertained, but not quite enough to actually elevate this above b-movie status.

RATING:

Hellbound

2010-08-29T23:44:00.004-04:00

This was reviewed as part of the Final Girl Film Club

A group of knights led by King Richard in 1186 A.D. open the film with their discovery of a hidden temple somewhere in Israel, whereupon they find a demonic man preparing a Satanic sacrifice of an infant with a large scepter. The knights manage to intervene, shatter the scepter and imprison the demon in a sealed tomb. Hundreds of years later in 1951, two morons stumble upon the temple and open up the tomb in hopes of finding some rich stuff (as the Goonies would so elegantly put it), only to get themselves killed and release the demon upon the world once again.

Finally, the film picks up in Chicago circa 1994, introducing us to two cops working the beat; Shatter (Chuck Norris) and Jackson (Calvin Levels). Their job consists of the usual good cop/bad cop routine as they crack down on typical street scum. Nothing out of the ordinary...until a hooker falls out a window and lands smack dab on the hood of their police car.

Upon entry of the apartment where the body fell from, Sergeant Shatter gets into a scuffle with a shadow-cloaked man and shoots him a few times, all to no avail, before he mysteriously disappears into the night. Further investigation of the apartment reveals a heartless corpse and a strange artifact which they soon learn, with the help of "sexy" antiquarian, is one of the nine parts of the shattered scepter that belonged to the mythological demon, Prosatanos. As they continue to follow the string of evidence to Israel and things become increasingly weird, the two cops begin to suspect that this demon may not actually be a myth after all.

Now I'm kind of wondering why I'm even bothering to continue writing, as I'm sure the above synopsis is really all you need. Not only does it feature Chuck Norris, his mullet and demonic forces — it features Chuck Norris and his mullet as a character named Sergeant Shatter getting pitted against said demonic forces. One would not be at fault, at this point, for making the assumption that this might be the greatest film—nay, greatest anything—in the history of the world. But unfortunately, and ironically, Hellbound lacks any real punch to make it so.

I'm not entirely sure what this film was going for, as it shares themes from various genres and results in a somewhat muddled mess. Mostly following the outline of a Buddy Cop film, Hellbound is home to pretty much every cliche of the genre. Shatter is the tough, kick-ass but charming sergeant and Jackson is nothing but a Token Black Guy. The two bicker back and forth like an old married couple and constantly play off each other with their conflicting personalities in an attempt to lighten the film with humor, but it never quite works. It seems Jackson is there for the sole purpose of being black, hip and funny, and it's just embarrassing. Once the two cops get to Israel, they even add in a mischievous, silly child as yet another source of comic relief and it's all so very 90's in the corniest way possible that it actually starts to feel like a kids movie at times.

The rest of the genre attempts have very little effort put into them and feel like missed opportunities. You'd think that the villain being an actual demon would result in...you know...horror. But other than the actor (Christopher Neame) having a fairly creepy glare in his eye, he doesn't do much damage and has an unintentionally funny over-the-top laugh and deep voice and I just couldn't buy into it. Even the two cops don't seem to take him very seriously as they don't appear to be phased in the least bit when they eventually realize they're dealing with a demon. Being shocked would probably be the appropriate reaction here, but then again, it is Chuck Norris we're talking about, so maybe not.

The most surprising thing about Hellbound, however, is that the action, too, is totally wasted. A movie of this nature starring Chuck Norris should have been filled to the brim with action sequences, but no such luck. Neither the cops, nor the demon seem all that competent at what they do and it takes quite awhile for any progress to be made. It takes forever for the cops to follow the clues and realize what's really happening and the demon takes even longer to find all the missing pieces of his shattered scepter, even though he has the ability to teleport and it's been 43 years since he was released from his prison. Once it draws to it's conclusion, even the big finale is shamefully short and not very big.

Despite the fact that it never truly works as a comedy, action or horror film, I must admit I was mostly amused by Hellbound. Lingering somewhere in between those genres in a state of corny limbo, there's certainly enjoyment to be had for those who can appreciate the value of a bad movie. Hellbound is a silly, inoffensive film that can work as a fun time-passer if you're in the right mood.

RATING:

LaDonna Don't Like That: Medicine Cabinet Of Doom

2010-08-14T17:50:00.006-04:00

Move over AIDS, there's a new killer in town and it's...a medicine cabinet?

Some poor girl will be standing at the sink in her bathroom, doing the usual, everything running smoothly...until she opens the medicine cabinet, rummages through, then closes it to reveal the sudden reflection of a psychopath standing behind her. And I think we all know what happens next.

Apparently, bathrooms are a very happening place in the world of serial killers. But why? What's so special about bathrooms? If this occurred in real life as much as it does in horror movies, medicine cabinets would probably be the leading cause of death in the U.S. I mean, I don't see how these psychos could appear with such miraculous timing without having planned it first. So if it really is a set up, what would happen if the girl didn't open the medicine cabinet? Would she have been able to completely avert her death? When you really think about it, the medicine cabinet is the true killer here. And that's pretty damn stupid, isn't it?

The latest trend for horror filmmakers, however, is to create this very same scenario, build up the score a bit to get us nervous, only to reveal nothing at all in the mirror's reflection.

NEWS FLASH: Scenes involving medicine cabinets are stupid cliches, no matter how you handle them. You're not tricking us. You're not scaring us. You're not being different and clever. If you want to be different and clever, why not just leave out the medicine cabinet altogether? That might help.

But no. There always has be a medicine cabinet of doom.

I HATE THAT!!! And LaDonna don't like that shit either...

Bloody Birthday

2010-07-24T13:30:00.008-04:00

A 1970-set prologue starts the film off vaguely, but ominously, as three babies are born during a solar eclipse. Flash forward ten years later to a dark cemetery where a young couple are getting hot and heavy, unaware that the evil kiddies are lurking about in the shadows. Taking precautions so they don't get caught, the dumb couple decide to jump into an open grave to ensure privacy and soon enough are dispatched by a shovel to the face and jump rope strangulation.

After the bodies are found, along with a handle from the jump rope, the suspicious town Sheriff interrogates a classroom full of kids and asks if anyone knows what the word "murder" means. One of the kids replies that it's when people get killed, "like on TV." Another whispers to a friend, "What does he think we are, babies?"

Children are far more intelligent than we give them credit for and certainly cunning enough to get away with murder, but do they really understand what murder is? Do they understand the seriousness and finality that comes with it? Intelligent, but not untouched by the innocence of age, children have the ability to be quite dangerous when you really think about it, and Bloody Birthday surely knows it.

When classmate Timmy Russel stumbles upon the killer tykes after taking another victim, he isn't too quick to believe them when they try to pass it off as an accidental death that they had nothing to do with. This of course means that poor little Timmy needs to be "silenced" before he decides to be a tattletale. Even his older sister Joyce ends up on their hit list when she begins to notice their odd behavior and uses astrology to back up her claims. You see, because there was an eclipse the day they were born, both the sun and the moon were blocking Saturn, which just so happens to be the planet that controls our emotions. So according to the laws of astrology, these three kids were born as apathetic a-holes.

...Or something.

Okay, so this whole astrology thing doesn't really make any sense. I don't get why they even felt the need to include it in the first place. Like I stated earlier, children are pretty effing creepy on their own, so explaining away their murderous tendencies with some vague astrological bullcrap seems fairly redundant. It was a mistake, for sure, but a forgivable one.

The casting choices for the three evil children couldn't have been better. Debbie is obviously the mastermind of the group and actress Elizabeth Hoy does a wonderful job making her stand out as a malicious leader who even I wouldn't dare mess with. She looks like a sweet little angel one minute, then a devil the next, all the while staying collected and authoritative as she carries out her bloody work.

The other two children, who seem sort of like her henchmen, work well in their own regard. Curtis (played by Billy Jacoby, little brother of Bad Ronald's Scott Jacoby) is especially irritating, coming off as a bit too blood-hungry, reckless and somewhat uncontrollable. He's the kind of bratty kid who actually enjoys being a jerk and I could barely stand him.

With really nothing new to offer, Bloody Birthday can't exactly be considered a great slasher. The astrology stuff is pretty lame and it does borrow a bit from Halloween (as most 80's horror movies did), but when you're watching a movie about killer children, any and all flaws suddenly don't seem to matter much. Acting as thought it were all just a fun game to pass the time, these children were actually somewhat creepy at times as they slashed their way through the town, trying to make Joyce and Timmy their latest victims. Bloody Birthday may not be perfect, but it's a surprisingly well made movie that's far more entertaining than it should be, keeping the pace moving briskly with fun action and thrills, and I absolutely loved the living crap out of it.

I guess my love for this movie is just like the power children have over adults. No matter how bratty or evil, even if they're killing people, you'd say "Oh, they're just kids! It's not their fault! They don't know any better!" And you'd love them anyway and they would get away with it, squeaky clean.

Bloody Birthday totally gets away with it.

And I'm not gonna lie...it may have helped that Beverly was played by Julie Brown and spent a good five minutes dancing around to a super groovy song while wearing nothing but a boa.

RATING:

13 Willies-Inducing Moments

2010-07-10T19:48:00.210-04:00

André Dumas, author of The Horror Digest blog, has created a top 10 list of the most willies-inducing moments from horror movies and has invited others to join in with their own lists. Final Girl's Stacie Ponder has made a great list of her own as well, and between the two lists, there didn't seem to be much room for originality, as it seems we share most of the same fears (Awesome people think alike, though, so that can't be helped). In trying to do something a bit different, I decided to up the count to 13 and venture off with a few unlikely choices. The results may not be the ultimate list, but a pretty darn good one nonetheless.

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13. JAWS

Jaws has managed to scare many people out of the water for many years. The opening kill is very effective, but for the most willies-inducing moment, I'm going to go with a different scene that comes later on in the film.

When Chief Brody's son goes on a sailboat with some of his friends in the pond, the shark attacks a nearby boat and eats the guy who falls in. The way the shark just sort of glides towards the guy's feet with his jaw stretched open has always given me the shivers and made me think twice about stepping foot in the water.

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12. POLTERGEIST II: THE OTHER SIDE

I'm a huge fan of the original Poltergeist, and although I think this sequel is pretty entertaining, I know it ain't exactly the bee's knees. But the villian, Reverend Kane, is more than enough reason to call this a memorable horror film.

When Carol Anne goes shopping at the mall with her mother and brother, she accidentally wanders off and gets lost amongst the crowds, only to bump into Kane, the creepy-ass reverend from HELL!!! Carol Anne knows this dude can't be trusted and looks scared out of her mind. Kane asks her if she's lost and tries to comfort her with a song, but that only manages to make things far
worse for her...and me.

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11. THE OMEN

One of the most effective scenes of this classic film comes when Robert Thorn visits a creepy old cemetery out in the middle of nowhere in Italy, in search of the grave of his son's birth mother. What he finds inside is the skeleton of a jackal, which is pretty damn eerie. But then, a bunch of vicious dogs appear and start to attack in a crazed frenzy.

The whole scene is quite chilling, but it works even better courtesy of a filmmaking blooper; As the dogs attack, a quick frantic shot reveals a few crew members (probably the dog trainers) watching from behind some brush. This would have normally bothered the crap out of me, but in this particular case, it somehow managed to benefit the scene, as the sudden appearance of random watchful eyes in the shadows was pretty chilling.

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10. SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT

When I was a kid, there wasn't much scarier than Grandpa Chapman. Poor, innocent little Billy goes on a trip to the mental hospital with his parents to visit his comatose grandfather and gets left alone with him. With the absence of the doctor and parents, Grandpa Chapman suddenly becomes devilishly animated and decides to take this time to warn little Billy of the dangers of Santa Claus. According to his crazy old mind, if you're not completely good all year, then Santa will not only leave you present-less, but will seek you out just to punish you.

The dude looks creepy enough as is, but the way he talk to Billy is so incredibly horrifying because he seems to be straining to keep his composure as his face turns red and veiny. I don't care what anyone says, Grandpa Chapman is the scariest mother f**ker on the planet.

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9. MY LITTLE EYE

The movie centers on a group of reality show contestants who are sent to live in a secluded house filled with wall-mounted security cameras in every room. And since a lot of the scenes are shown through these cameras, it gives the film a very creepy, voyeuristic feel to it.

In this one particular scene, the group gathers around a fireplace on a cold, snowy night and a creepy story is told about how forgetting to close your curtains is the leading cause of stalkers. It's quite atmospheric as is, but the fact that we're watching this scene through one of the security cameras as it slowly zooms in to the back of the heroine's head, makes it much more chilling. For one, it made me wonder who exactly was controlling this camera, but I also began to feel as though I was being watched myself and kept peering over my shoulder every so often to make sure no one was really there.

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8. THE INNOCENTS

Robert Wise's The Haunting, based on the novel The Haunting Of Hill House by Shirley Jackson, is widely regarded as the greatest ghost movie ever made. But I beg to differ. The Innocents is a far superior film that seems to have been far ahead of it's time and way outshines The Haunting with great scares.

The creepiest moment of the movie comes when governess Miss Giddens is sitting by a pond with Flora, who seems to fall into a sort of trance while singing a creepy, familiar lullaby. Mrs. Giddens, sensing that things are a bit off, suddenly looks across the pond and notices a strange woman in black, just standing there among the weeds, not moving, not saying anything, and it's absolutely

chilling.

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7. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
(Spoilers Included)

I still don't get why The Blair Witch Project is hated by so many people. I saw this one in theaters with my mom at the age of 13 and by the time the end credits were rolling, we were both shivering and staring blankly with shock. Meanwhile, everyone else in the theater was booing. Sure, this movie utilizes subtlety to the max and leaves a lot to the imagination, but that's what's so damn great about it.

When Heather and Mike are searching for Josh towards the end of the film and stumble upon an old, dilapidated house in the middle of the woods, they're clearly terrified to enter and I couldn't help but share their feelings. Once they get inside and get separated, Heather eventually finds Mike in the dark basement, just sort of standing there, facing a corner of the room. She screams for him and he doesn't move an inch or say a thing...and then Heather's screams are suddenly cut off and her camera falls to the floor. A pretty effing creepy way to end a movie, if ya ask me.

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6. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Being filmed in a dirty, raw way, most of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre has a very disturbing feel to it, but there's one scene in particular that I can barely stand to watch. After Sally is captured by the crazy family, they bend her over a large bucket and give the grandfather a hammer to smash in her head as if she were an animal. And because the grandfather is so insanely old and pretty much looks like a rotting zombie corpse, he can barely move, let alone use a hammer, so watching his frail body attempt to smash Sally's head in, while she chillingly screams, is downright disturbing.

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5. FIRE IN THE SKY

I already didn't enjoy the thought of the possible existence of aliens, but it got so much worse after I saw Fire In The Sky, which is supposedly a true story.

Sometimes, listening to someone's bloodcurdling screams alone can be more frightening than seeing what's making them scream. But in this case, it was equally frightening, visually and aurally, and thus was a bit too much for me to handle when I was a kid.

Poor Travis gets strapped to a table while creepy little aliens probe about and shove weird gooey stuff and tubes down his throat, has a sheet of rubber-like substance form-fitted to his body, and then has to watch as a long, sharp needle lowers towards his eyeball, preparing to penetrate. If this really did happen to him, I don't know how the hell he didn't just have a heart attack and drop dead right then and there, as I probably would have.

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4. AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION

Okay, so Amityville II isn't exactly a good movie and pretty much plays out like a poor man's Exorcist, but I can't help loving the crap out of it.

The opening credits sequence alone is creepy as hell...and nothing even happens, other than a slow pan of the Amityville house and the foggy property, accompanied by the insanely creepy theme music. Whenever I'd feel bored and in need of a horror fix, I would just pop the old tape into the VCR, turn off all the lights and ~~play with myself~~ get scared.

But even though the opening credits sequence would be my first choice, I'm gonna have to mention another willies-inducing moment, which comes when the family has settled down for the night, the house is left dark and quiet, and then we're suddenly seeing through the eyes of someone/something coming out from a secret room in the basement. The first-person view then travels throughout the house, moaning at the sight of a crucifix and making a clock go haywire as it passes.

If this isn't considered willies-inducing, then I don't know what is. The thought that something could be walking around your own dark house late at night while you're asleep is one of the scariest things I can think of, especially if they moan at Jesus.

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3. BLACK CHRISTMAS
(Spoilers Included)

Black Christmas is, without a doubt, the best slasher film ever made and it never fails to scare me. The one willies-inducing moment comes when lead character Jess finds her friends dead in a bedroom...and then realizes the killer is standing right behind the door, staring at her with his big, creepy bulging eye.

This scene alone was absolutely frightening to witness, but it gets much, much worse when she slams the door into his face and takes off running. At this point, we're still not given a look at the killer, but what we do get is the sound of his heavy footsteps running down the stairs after her, accompanied by his chilling screams and wails as he thrashes about in a maniacal tantrum. These sounds are more frightening than anything I've ever heard in my life and scares me half to death with every viewing.

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2. THE TWILIGHT ZONE: "THE HOWLING MAN"
(Spoilers Included)

I realize that The Twilight Zone is considered to be quite dated by today's young'uns. And I agree that most of the episodes were pretty corny, but some of them were still fairly effective and remain so to this day. Out of all the episodes, though, there was really only one in particular that scared the living crap out of me when I was a kid, and that was "The Howling Man."

When a passerby gets caught in a bad storm, he takes refuge at a monastery filled with creepy old monks with really long beards (an irrational fear of mine) and hears strange howling that gets dismissed as nothing but the wind. But then he tracks down the howling to a man locked up in a cell. A man with sad, piercing eyes and gentle voice that pleads for release from the crazy monks.

Long story short, the passerby falls for the imprisoned man's charms and sets him free, only to find out this man was locked up for good reason, seeing as how he happens to be the Devil himself.

Anything involving the Devil or demons or pretty much anything related to Christianity, good or bad, just doesn't sit well with me. I don't know where it stems from, but the whole damn thing has always made me feel very uncomfortable and gives me the willies, big time. So needless to say "The Howling Man" is the stuff of nightmares to me and pretty much every scene in this episode freaks me out. I want to say the aforementioned scene of the Devil getting loose and revealing himself was the one willies-inducing moment, but I think I'm gonna have to go with another moment that comes at the very end of the episode.

Feeling guilty for letting the Devil loose upon the world, he spends years tracking him down and eventually captures him and locks him up in a closet in his very own home. When he explains the story to his maid and very clearly tells her that she should never, under any circumstances, open the closet door, she of course assumes he's totally crazy and, lo and behold...opens the closet door.

The expression on the maid's face, the slow opening of the door and the reveal of darkness within has managed to stay with me since the first time I saw it as a young kid and still creeps me out to this day.

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1. THE EXORCIST

I feel as though an explanation for this entry is slightly redundant. The Exorcist was no doubt a major source of childhood trauma for many a people (considering it's known as the scariest movie of all time), and I'm certainly no exception. Pretty much everything about this movie is absolutely terrifying in the most terrifyingly terrifying way imaginable. And if you don't agree with that, then you should just jump off a bridge cause you're wrong.

Noooo, I only kid. But if you don't think this movie is scary...then I hate your guts. The one scene of this movie that has scared me and stuck with me the most is Damien's dream sequence, in which Pazuzu, the possessing demon of the film, shows his true face in quick, subliminal-style flashes.

You'd think because I included an image of his face here that I'm probably not scared of Pazuzu anymore...but right now I'm actually trying incredibly hard to avoid direct eye contact. Over the years, I've lost many hours of sleep because of this damn face and I don't think my fear will ever dissipate. Like...ever.

I used this image of Pazuzu to make my own custom pumpkin stencil not only once, but twice (see pics below) and was completely horrified throughout the whole design/carving process. Maybe I thought it would be a way to face my fears and put them to rest through one of those therapeutic show-your-anger/fear-through-art things.

But no such luck...

The camera went out of focus on this last pic, making the face look real, which makes it ten times scarier, which makes it ten times more likely for me to drop a deuce in my pantaloons.

Thanks a lot, God.

P.S. I suggest you check out the original Horror Digest list for other great runner-ups, like the moment from Black Sabbath, which I totally agree with, but couldn't fit into my own list.

Birdemic: Shock And Terror

2010-07-02T15:42:00.028-04:00

Have you ever fallen up a staircase?

I'm sure you're all familiar with this — You're out and about on a particularly awesome day with a big ol' smile on your face, realizing life ain't too shabby. You approach a staircase, thinking "lol staircase"...but then your foot isn't lifted high enough, it catches the edge of an oncoming step and your whole body suddenly goes lurching forward.

And you've done it. As if you weren't awkward enough already, you've now somehow managed to fall up a staircase. In public. In front of everyone.

What are you to do in this situation?! Just sort of pretend as if it didn't happen and continue walking? Make eye contact with everyone staring at you? Force yourself to laugh? No matter what reaction you choose—it's awkward. Very, very awkward.

This, in a nutshell, is Birdemic, a movie that has magically captured the essence of the awkward moment. It makes you laugh uncomfortably, cringe uncontrollably and flat out deny the whole thing out of pure embarrassment.

I have watched many movies over the years that have evoked many emotions in me. But never—and I mean never—have I felt this kind of hilarious pain. Birdemic: Shock And Terror truly is, without a doubt, the best worst movie in the history of the world.

That's right, little Gary Coleman, I said it. It's the best worst movie in the history of the world. Troll 2, eat your f**king heart out.

So, the movie begins with Lead Guy, a computer software salesman who seems to live a very exciting life, as he just sort of...drives around a lot. That is, when he's not watching news reports about seals or getting solar panels installed on his roof. And then there's Lead Girl, who lives a glamorous life as a high-end fashion model, getting pictures taken at a One Hour Photo shop next to a convenience store by the side of the road.

Glamorous indeed.

Lead Guy and Lead Girl cross paths, and seeing as how they're both completely inept at doing pretty much anything in life, like walking or talking, they totally click and quickly fall in love.

According to the IMDb profile for writer/director James Nguyen, he's apparently known as the "Master Of Romantic Thrillers" (By who, his mom? He's only made two movies before Birdemic, both of which were cheap direct-to-DVD's that don't seem to be available for purchase). So Birdemic is not actually billed as a horror movie, but instead as a romantic thriller. And rather than blending the two genres, Mr. Nguyen apparently likes it in that particular order: Romantic. Thriller.

The first hour of Birdemic attempts to tackle nothing but the romance and fails miserably. All of the "conversations" between Lead Guy and Lead Girl are so painfully awkward, it got to the point where I started cringing before they would even start to speak. I swear, these people are train wrecks in the form of human beings. Their body language and dialogue delivery is absolutely disastrous and baffling. The directing and editing, unfortunately, amplifies this to unbearable levels. Instead of cutting off the scene once the actors have finished their lines, the camera would just sort of linger there on their faces for an incredibly uncomfortable amount of time until their eyes would eventually start to wander or stare directly into the camera, confused about what they're supposed to be doing. And man, is it awkward to watch!

After all the "romance" is dealt with and there's only about 40 minutes left of the movie, a scene of eagles wreaking havoc is suddenly shoved in our faces. No smooth transition from Romantic to Thriller. It literally just comes out of nowhere. Maybe that's the "shock" part of Birdemic: Shock And Terror. Although I was more confused, than shocked.

It comes as no surprise that the special effects used weren't of the highest quality. But even after seeing so many Syfy Channel creature features, I still wasn't prepared for the insanely atrocious effects on display here, which seem to have been lifted from a computer game circa 1995. But bad CGI aside, it was the way the birds were portrayed that was most concerning. When they weren't miraculously hovering in the same spot while barely flapping their wings, they would nose-dive into buildings, accompanied by the sound of a jet engine, and then explode on impact.

I kid you not.

From here on out, Lead Guy and Lead Girl form a group with another couple and two young children and go on the run, armed with wire hangers to fight off the eagles, Joan Crawford style. Some people live and some people die, but hilarity reigns throughout.

Along the way, they meet Old Man On Bridge and Tree Hugger, two random characters who decide to briefly inform our leads about the beauty of trees, the effects of global warming, and how we need to act more like "spacemen and take care of our spaceship" (or some such nonsense), all the while cheesy music plays in the background that makes it sound like one of those "Educational Moments" from the Brady Bunch. I was totally waiting for Marcia to pop up somewhere and explain how global warming doesn't matter when you're beautiful. But unfortunately, moments like that only happen in my dreams.

To say that Mr. Nguyen was trying DESPERATELY to make a deeply meaningful film with a "save the earth" agenda would be kind of an understatement.

Take for instance, a scene of a couple enjoying some sexytime:

Yeah, real subtle.

But whatever the intention, what he did do was unearth a comedy goldmine that will surely become a major cult classic in the years to come. All the buzz you've been hearing about this movie is absolutely true. I initially thought such an anomaly could certainly not exist in this world. And yet here it is, defying God and science. Birdemic is so impossibly bad in every which way imaginable, officially dethroning Troll 2 as the best worst movie, which is surely a feat only the "Master Of The Romantic Thriller" could have accomplished.

Fortunately for us, a 3D sequel is already in the works! Check out the screencap below of the Craigslist casting call:

I particularly like the Archaeologist who studies archaeology. I mean, what are the odds?

RATING:

CUSTOM DVD COVER: Bad Ronald

2010-06-27T21:33:00.009-04:00

A custom cover I made for Bad Ronald.

Out of all the "ABC Movie Of The Week" movies from the 70's, Bad Ronald is definitely one of my favorites. I'm grateful that Warner Bros. finally decided to release it on DVD, but pretty damn pissed that it ended up as part of the Warner Archive Collection, which is a series of severely cheap DVD's with zero effort put into their production. So of course that means no special features, no restoration (it just barely looks better than a VHS) and a really cruddy cover that uses the same damn template design as all the other DVD's in the series; a bright blue background with a random publicity still pasted into the center (SEE IT HERE).

Ugh!!!! This movie definitely deserves better than that, so I felt the need to take a stab at making my own cover that would do it justice. Granted, I know it's far from perfect, but it's an obvious improvement.

CLICK HERE to download the full-sized, printable cover.

CUSTOM DVD COVER: The Kiss

2010-06-23T13:11:00.004-04:00

Here's a custom cover I made for The Kiss.

The pic I used of Felice on the front cover was a screencap I took myself (and then heavily edited) from the DVD, so the quality wasn't too great to begin with and didn't turn out as good as I had hoped. But flaws and all, I think it's a huge-ass improvement over the real cover the DVD comes with, which looks awfully sloppy and unprofessional.

CLICK HERE to download the full-sized, printable image.

Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers

2010-06-17T20:05:00.009-04:00

Everybody’s favorite transvestite serial killer is back, with her tongue firmly placed in her cheek...and a little something missing from between her legs.

Oh, wait. Wrong transvestite serial killer.

That's better!

Since the beginning of the slasher craze, the message being conveyed to teenagers wasn't exactly what you'd consider subtle. Getting involved with drugs, alcohol and premarital sex wasn’t just a sin in the slasher world, it was a first class ticket straight to hell by means of brutal slaughter. And yet, even so, this type of behavior has always managed to somehow come across as hip and funny instead of shunned. But Unhappy Campers thankfully went with a much more obvious approach, finally serving teen stupidity it's just desserts.

This time around, psychopath Angela Baker (now being played by Pamela Springsteen) daringly returns to camp once again with a completely different persona; that of an overly chirpy and surprisingly wholesome camp counselor with nothing but good intentions for her campers...at first.

As all the kiddies run amok with their sex/drug fueled mischief, Angela tries to instill values in their feeble little minds and fails miserably, thus being left with no other choice but to "weed out the bad."

After disposing each victim, she smoothly covers up her tracks by disguising the disappearances as nothing more than kids who were sent home for unacceptable behavior. But as her cheerfulness begins to wear off and the disappearances pile up to the point of the cabins being almost completely empty, good girl Molly (Renée Estevez) can't help but be a little suspicious.

Of course Molly fits the bill of the virginal sweetheart heroine that no horror movie can be without. But in a movie filled with really annoying, dumb-as-rocks, mullet-wearing teens named after members of the Brat Prack, I think we can all agree that the psychopathic killer is the true heroine in this particular case.

I mean, these kids were really asking for it, especially when they're flashing their wobbly bits all over the place for no apparent reason whatsoever, or applying "shoot first, ask questions later" to the act of unprotected sex. Spouting silly one-liners before offing her victims in humorously cruel ways, Angela makes it clear that she's just trying to make the world a better place. And how can you blame her when the world is filled with douchers like that?

Being a big fan of the original Sleepaway Camp, I have to be honest and admit that Unhappy Campers is a pretty awful, unnecessary sequel. It has the appearance of a shoe-string budget and comes chock-full of cheesy dialogue and wooden acting that result in big unintentional laughs. But for that, I'm actually grateful.

Seeing as how most sequels tend to be nothing more than boring retreads, it was nice to see something a bit different, and very refreshing to see a parody that makes fun of the teens in horror movies, rather than the horror movies themselves. Of course most of the time you'll be laughing at it, rather than with it, but as long as you're laughing, who really cares, right?

Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers may be a crappy movie, but as a die hard slasher fan, I thought it was totally entertaining crap from start to finish. And you'll probably like it too, as long as you're willing to lower your standards for about an hour and a half.

Oh, who am I kidding? Slasher fans don't have standards. Just watch the damn movie already.

RATING:

CUSTOM DVD COVER: Schizoid

2010-06-11T23:37:00.011-04:00

A custom cover I made for the film Schizoid.

Schizoid isn't one of the greatest slashers of the 80's, but it's decent entertainment. It still hasn't been released on DVD (and maybe it never will) so I thought I'd make a custom cover for those with a VHS-to-DVD transfer. I spent a good amount of time making this cover (the "ransom" letters on the front were especially annoying) and I think it came out looking pretty decent (although the back could probably still use some edits). I thought I was being clever with the design...but then I realized a very similar design was already used for a UK VHS cover. Ugh. But whatevs. I hope someone out there will put it to good use.

CLICK HERE to download the printable image.

WALLPAPER: Silent Night, Deadly Night

2010-06-10T20:05:00.003-04:00

(CLICK FOR FULL SIZE)

I never quite understood all the hate for Silent Night, Deadly Night. I mean, it features a crazy Santa Claus who offs random people with an ax! Did I mention he screams out "Naughty!" before he kills them? There's even a scene where the bastard gives a cute little girl a box cutter as a Christmas present. Does that not sound like gold to you? Seriously, if you can honestly say otherwise, then I regret to inform you that you're....umm....uhhh....Okay, I guess that would probably make you normal. And smart. And sane. But whatevs! Where's the fun in that?! I realize Silent Night, Deadly Night isn't exactly the greatest movie and does produce some unintentional laughs here and there, but regardless, I love this damn movie to pieces. I really do think it's one of the best slashers to come out of the 80's and a great watch around the holidays.

But anyway, the wallpaper! Yes, the wallpaper!

I originally created a Silent Night, Deadly Night wallpaper specifically for RetroSlashers.net (which can be seen HERE), and now that some years have passed, I came to realize how incredibly cruddy it looks. And to make matters worse, the damn thing has spread all over the internet and has even been used on the Amazon UK site! I thought it was kinda embarrassing. So I decided to redo the whole thing to redeem myself and I think it turned out great. The perfect mood setter to see this on my computer screen during the holiday season!

City Of The Living Dead

2010-05-24T04:16:00.074-04:00

I should probably start off this review by admitting that I've only seen two Lucio Fulci films before this.

Well...sort of.

I only just got around to seeing Zombie sometime last year and didn't really get what the big deal was. I thought it started out great, then it went all...meh. I mean sure, there's that gnarly zombie versus shark scene and juicy eyeball piercing, but other than that...I thought it was pretty damn boring.

There, I said it. So shoot me.

And then there's House by the Cemetery, a film I have a very tumultuous relationship with. Having had it on VHS since I was a young'un, I first popped the tape into the VCR when I was about 13 years old...and only got about twenty minutes in before giving up. This happened once again a couple years later. And again a few more years after that. And then again. And again. And still, to this day, I have yet to watch this cruddy film in it's entirety.

The name John Carpenter is synonymous with Michael Myers. Wes Craven with Freddy Krueger. But what comes to mind when I think of Lucio Fulci? None other than...

...Bob?

Anyway, the obvious point I'm trying to make here is that I always thought Fulci was kind of a joke. And even so, other than my love for Suspiria, I'm not too big on Italian horror in general and tend to avoid them as best I can. So when Stacie Ponder (of the Final Girl blog) chose City of the Living Dead as her next Film Club addition, I wasn't too excited to participate. But as a big-time fan of Ms. Ponder and her blog, I figured...why not? I'll give it a try. Surely I'm being too hard on Fulci, right?

Now comes the part where I give myself a kick in the pants for avoiding this film all these years. City of the Living Dead is totally awesome!

Starting off on an eerie note, the film opens with a séance gone wrong as a psychic drops dead after having visions of a gloomy priest hanging himself in a cemetery in the strange little town of Dunwich. When a reporter (played by the icky Christopher George) catches wind of the psychic's odd departure, he becomes intrigued and tracks down her freshly buried coffin to...umm...to look for...umm...What the heck was he looking for? What was he expecting to find there, other than a mound of dirt? Anyway, just as he's about to leave (after surprisingly finding nothing), he hears something a bit fishy.

Did he hear scratching? Banging? Screaming?!

Realizing the psychic has been buried alive, he frees her from her coffin with a pickaxe (and almost kills her in the process, the dumbass), and then gets some very vague information out of her about how the world is about to come to an end. Apparently, the priest's suicide has caused the gates of hell to open and now it's up to them to find this Dunwich town and somehow put a stop to it. And the problem is, they only have about 48 hours to complete their task, otherwise the gates will remain open forever and all the dead will rise from their graves. Of course the 48 hour limit on their lives doesn't stop the two from exchanging flirty glances and stopping for a bite to eat on their way there. They truly seemed concerned.

As you can probably tell, City of the Living Dead is certainly not without it's faults. There are a few characters that are severely underdeveloped and we're never quite sure of their purpose in the film. Christopher George's character is there to chew cigars and look sleazy, so he's obviously needed (Or maybe his purpose is to investigate and stuffs, cause he's reporter and all. I don't know). And the psychic seems to be the only one who really knows what's happening. But what's with all the other characters? Who are these people?

There's one particular character named Bob (no, not that Bob from House by the Cemetery, thank god) who's a complete mystery. He literally has no purpose. He's not even there as a victim. Well, he does get killed, but not by a zombie or a ghost or whathaveyou, but instead by some random dude who doesn't like Bob hanging around with his daughter... or something. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing at all, as far as I can tell, but who really cares when it ends in a drill to the head?

The dead priest, now a ghost, is also quite vague, but a pretty cool villain nonetheless. I mean, he kinda seemed like a douche. He kept popping up at random, still dangling lifelessly from his noose, right before quickly vanishing into thin air. What a total mindfuck, right? And as if that wasn't enough, he also seemed to enjoy causing people to puke up their innards just by staring intently into their eyes.

Awesome. But gross. If there's one thing that makes Italian horror stand out from the rest, it's the excruciatingly dragged-out, bloody deaths. You gotta love it! It actually kinda nauseated me a bit.

Why did this priest kill himself in the first place? Why does he now have supernatural powers? Why did his death cause the gates of hell to open? How exactly did the psychic get buried alive?

Okay, so by now it's become painfully obvious that Italian filmmakers don't care much for logic (Or maybe that just applies to Italians in general, in which case my existence suddenly makes perfect sense). There's a huge list of unanswered questions presented in this film and most of it is likely to confuse the crap out of you. Maybe I'm being too forgiving, but frankly, I found it easy to dismiss the many faults and enjoyed it for what it was.

Much like the films of Dario Argento, City of the Living Dead makes good use of the surreal in every which way. From phantom flames to demonic growls, from swarms of maggots to bleeding walls, Fulci handled each scene with stylish bizarreness, resulting in a trippy, hypnotic nightmare. And in that regard, it works. I mean, who needs substance when you have so much style, not to mention transporting zombies who rip brains out of people's skulls with their bare hands?

I guess I was sorta wrong about Fulci after all. He's a decent dude. Then again, it's really hard to ignore House By The Cemetery. And Bob. But whatevs. This movie kicked all kinds of ass.

RATING:

LaDonna Don't Like That: Attack Of The Evil Kitties

2010-05-17T20:41:00.018-04:00

Call me naive, but I was always under the impression that kitties are supposed to be like this:

But apparently, they're more like this:

...according to horror movies, at least. These kitties just love to wait for the most inappropriate moment—you know, the moment when it gets really dark and quiet and you're fearing for your life—and then they jump out at you, hissing, and you suddenly find yourself in dire need of clean pantaloons.

Such jerks.

In the world of horror movies, this supposedly happens at least once a day, sometimes even twice a day, to pretty much everyone on the planet. And although it may work at scaring the crap out of the characters, it sure doesn't seem to work on the audience.

Having any sort of false scare in a horror movie already gets on my nerves as is; You can sense these moments coming from miles away and they're never actually scary because you know it's going to amount to nothing. But I guess, regardless of how unnecessary I think they are, you just can't have a horror movie without at least one false scare to keep everyone on edge...but why do they always have to be delivered by kitties?

Are horror filmmakers really lacking in creativity that much? Why can't they ever change it up a bit? Why not have a dog jump out? Or better yet, a frog or even a kangaroo? They seem to enjoy jumping, so that might be more appropriate.

But no. It always has be kitties.

I HATE THAT!!! And LaDonna don't like that shit either...

Home For The Holidays

2010-05-16T18:29:00.008-04:00

After receiving a strange letter from their father, four sisters reluctantly return to their childhood home, an apparent hotspot for gothic family controversy, and find him bed-ridden, on the verge of pushing up daisies. While their stepmother Elizabeth (Julie Harris of The Haunting) claims he’s just dying of old age, their father has a different story. He believes Elizabeth is slowly poisoning him to death and wants his daughters to “get rid of her” themselves instead of contacting the police. Although the girls seem to hate their stepmother, they’re quick to dismiss their father’s story as nothing but paranoia brought on by senility. But everything soon changes when a bad storm traps them inside and a killer starts trimming the family tree.

Get it? The family tree? Cause it takes place at Christmas? GET IT?

Oh man, I'm so lame. But anyway...

Predating all the well known holiday-themed slashers, Home For Holidays not only features an Oscar caliber cast, including a young Sally Field, but was even penned by Psycho screenwriter Joseph Stephano and produced by Aaron Spelling!!!

Need I say more? Probably not, but I'm gonna continue anyway.

Home For the Holidays is quite the intriguing little mystery that hooks us right from the start and never lets go. Although the characterization is fairly minimal, it’s still effective as each sister is clearly defined and made easy targets for suspicion. Alex is the Big Sister type who seems mentally exhausted from having to keep the whole family together; Joanna is a sort of callous jetsetter who’s been through more than a couple husbands and doesn’t seem to care for anyone but herself; Christine (Sally Field) is the sweet but naive baby of the bunch and Frederica (the sublimely creepy Jessica Walter from Clint Eastwood’s Play Misty For Me) is an emotionally damaged alcoholic pill-popper.

Why is Frederica so unstable? Why do the sisters seem so distant from their father? Why do they have such strong hatred for their stepmother and why is she supposedly trying to kill her husband? It’s all so juicy, isn’t it? And it just gets better and better with bits of backstory and twists thrown into the mix as it goes along. This couldn’t possibly be anything but an Aaron Spelling production and I just LOVE it!!! With so much already going for it, the eventual appearance of a slicker wearing killer with a pitchfork just comes off as icing on the cake.

Of course, since it’s made for TV, there isn’t much slasher action to be seen here. The deaths are pretty quick and bloodless but it doesn’t really matter. I was more interested in the killer’s identity rather than the slayings. Aside from the sisters, Julie Harris does an amazing job seeming like she’s full of dark secrets and potentially dangerous. Even the bed-ridden father can’t seem to be trusted. So who could the killer be? It’s very refreshing to see a whodunit that actually works. Director John Llewellyn Moxey, a pro with TV horror, does well keeping us second guessing ourselves and building the tension right to the very end.

Isn’t Christmas just the perfect time for horror? The extreme euphoria of it all somehow creates the opposite intended effect, making us feel fearful instead of joyful. But aside from the requisite Christmas tree and an eerily festive score, this home doesn’t exactly express the holiday spirit, which was quite disappointing. We even have to settle for rain instead of snow. And while thunder and lightning are always great bedfellows to horror, it just seems a bit odd for a Christmas movie.

Home For The Holidays may not be ideal for some slasher fans, lacking the proper atmosphere, gore and nudity, but with Aaron Spelling drenched intrigue and the Flying Nun, who gives a crap what it lacks? This hidden gem is surely worth seeking out.

RATING:

Prom Night, Scary Night

2010-05-15T16:16:00.014-04:00

"Hello?"

"Is anybody here?"

"..."

"AHHHH!!! I don't wanna die!!!"

"Oh, wait. Nevermind. That's just a TABLE LAMP."

When the biggest scare of a movie comes from a table lamp...I think it's safe to say that movie should not exist.

Just sayin'.

WALLPAPER: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

2010-05-10T19:21:00.002-04:00

(CLICK FOR FULL SIZE)

This is a custom desktop wallpaper I made for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I was inspired to make this by the hand-drawn Italian theatrical poster for the film.

I couldn't really come up with anything specific for the design, so I kept it fairly simple. I admit it's nothing special, but Leatherface looks awesome and I love the atmospheric colors and tones I used.

It totally gets my zipper going.

The Human Centipede

2010-05-07T15:11:00.030-04:00

Me no likey centipedes. I'm so disgusted by them that the mere mention of the word "centipede" drives me nucking futs. I even have this weird paranoid delusion that these little spawn-of-Satan insects can actually sense my fear and will appear if I think about them too much or say the word "centipede" out loud, like saying "Candyman" five times in front of a mirror.

It's ridic, I know.

So needless to say, I was already convinced The Human Centipede was going to be the most disgusting movie I would ever see, just based on the title alone. Then I actually read up on it and realized it was about ass-to-mouth shenanigans in Germany...

Eventually I came to and braced myself for what I assumed would be a feature-length version of 2 Girls, 1 Cup. And then I watched it and BAM!....

Nothing. No vomit. Not even a little dry heave.

How disappointing to find out this movie is actually incredibly tame. And that's a bit confusing to me. I mean, if you're gonna make a movie called The Human Centipede involving characters getting down and dirty in each others asses, then actually make it disgusting or what's the point, right?

When the movie begins, we're introduced to a couple of young, ditsy American women on a road trip through Europe. Currently traveling through Germany, they hear word of a big party, get directions and hit the road. On their way there, they inevitably get lost and end up stranded with a flat tire and yada yada yada, they knock on the wrong door for help. Luckily for us, the owner of said wrong door just so happens to be Mr. Mad Scientist who's obsessed with sewing peoples mouths onto other peoples anuses. Who would have thunk it?

By doing this procedure, it creates a single digestive track that runs through all the people fused together. So it basically creates one long person with lots of legs and arms, like a centipede. Get it? Now, according to the theatrical poster, it states that this film is 100% medically accurate. Umm...yeah, okay. Really? I mean, when you eat something, doesn't your body soak up all the nutrients (or, you know, whatevs) and then crap out the leftover stuff that your body doesn't need? So when the second and third people in the chain get fed the first person's crap, wouldn't that not work, in terms of nutrition? I don't get it. I guess I'm wrong, then. I don't know.

Before the procedure is done, there's a slight bit of suspense, I suppose, as one of the women gets free from her restraints and tries to escape. But I think it's safe to assume she doesn't. So the attempt at suspense here is pretty pointless. And then once the two women and a frantic Asian dude are fused together, it basically becomes How To Train Your Human Centipede. Mr. Mad Scientist even tries to get the Human Centipede to bring him the newspaper, as if it were a dog, which is kind of...well, stupid. I mean, why would you create a human centipede just to make is act like an frickin dog? That kinda seems like a waste if ya ask me. But anyway, after all this training bullcrap, the "suspense" picks up once more, but again, it all seems fairly pointless for obvious reasons.

For the most part, The Human Centipede, while being oddly entertaining, is merely a disgusting and disturbing concept and not much else. We never get the expected goods. Instead, we just get lots of crying, crawling and tremendously bad acting/dialogue. Let's just say it's lucky for us that the women had anuses stuck to their mouths for the better part of the film. Unfortunately, no such luck with Mr. Mad Scientist, allowing him one seriously over-the-top performance. But then again, he is a mad scientist after all. So I guess that's sort of his shtick.

Writer/director Tom Six has actually planned for this film to be the first in a trilogy. And while I can't quite imagine how this storyline could possibly expand into two more films, I guess that might explain why it felt like too much of a setup with no real payoff. I suppose the sequels will be the real payoff. Now we just have to wait and see.

RATING:

Black Christmas

2010-05-06T17:40:00.030-04:00

A large house harboring the cheerful chatter of a sorority Christmas party, a few colorful holiday decorations and a wintry landscape make up the first images of this film. But it's not quite the warm and friendly scenario it appears to be, as we soon realize we're seeing all this through the eyes of a stranger. This person proceeds to climb up an ivy trellis along the side of the house and enters through an attic window. Minutes later, a sorority girl is dead.

BRILLIANT!!!

Okay, sure, pretty much every horror movie starts off with a kill in the opening frames, but none of them are anywhere near as unnerving. A big part of why this film is so successful is obviously largely due in part to the seriously underrated director, Bob Clark, and his powerful execution, but I think it goes a bit deeper than that.

What is it about locked doors and bolted windows that make us feel so completely safe in our homes? Surely they keep us safe to a certain degree, but what stops someone from picking the lock? From shattering a window? From finding an attic window that no one even thinks to lock in the first place? Black Christmas starts off on a chilling note by brutally slapping us in the face with the truth: The comfort we feel in our homes is a big fat LIE.

As the sorority sisters begin clearing out for Christmas break, Jessica (Olivia Hussey) and Phyllis (Andrea Martin) decide to stay behind at the house to help out their friend Barb (Margot Kidder), a lovable drunken mess of a girl who has no family to go home to. Soon after, they begin receiving obscene phone calls from someone they've dubbed "The Moaner," thinking he's just some lonely pervert looking to get some kicks. But as the calls become more frequent and downright disturbing, Jessica begins to worry that someone dangerous may be stalking them.

Instead of rushing towards the end credits while bombarding us with gory murders, as so many slashers tend to do, Bob Clark would rather take his time for the development of character and atmosphere and follow in the footsteps of the great Alfred Hitchcock, proving that anticipation of the horror is where the real suspense comes from.

Using a "less is more" approach, a lot of the creepiness is provided subtly with the familiar and the mundane, rather than the fantastical. The sound design, which is sadly an element rarely used to it's advantage in horror films, is brilliantly displayed here in all it's glory. For instance, the occasional inclusion of a few distant dog barks coming from somewhere in the night may seem like nothing much, but when you think about it, the first thing that gets associated with dog barks is an intruder, isn't it?

See? Brilliant.

The creepy, but minimalist musical score is heightened by Bob Clark's tapestry of other natural sounds from his surroundings; the soft ticking of a grandfather clock, the crackling of a fire place, the cold howling wind outside and a few creaky floorboards. While these sounds may not be considered malevolent on their own, hearing them put together in this particular case somehow creates an unnerving piece that truly gets under your skin.

The wind and crackling fire provide that extra sense of atmospheric chill, the creaky floorboards warn of a prowler lurking about and the clock becomes a ticking time bomb, grating at your nerves as you fear the inevitable. It even comes to a point when the simple sound of the phone ringing alone becomes utterly chilling to listen to, regardless of the killer's disturbing gibberish on the other end.

And man oh man, what a frightening SOB the killer is! Aside from a few minor glimpses, one of which includes his creepy bulging eye, the killer is seldom seen, but his presence is surely felt throughout the entire film. We're not given a lot, but just enough to know that he's there somewhere, watching and waiting and I couldn't help but peer over my own shoulder for fear that someone was watching me too.

Okay, so if you haven't noticed by now...I totally heart this film. It's a frickin masterpiece, I tells ya! I honestly believe it's not only the greatest slasher film to date, but also one of the scariest horror films ever made. I swear, the ending gets my heart pounding every damn time I see it. I even considered sleeping with the lights on after my first viewing. It freaked me out that much.

Unfortunately, regardless of how insanely awesome Black Christmas is, it didn't exactly make a big splash when it was originally released and has since remained mostly hidden in the overbearing shadow of John's Carpenter's Halloween, the slasher known for starting it all and being the first of it's kind

But why is that???

Yeah, I know...Halloween is a classic that deserves the praise it gets. In fact, Halloween has always been my favorite movie ever since I was a wee lad. But once I saw Black Christmas when I was around 17 years old, I honestly felt betrayed. I felt like John Carpenter had been playing me for a fool all those years, seeing as how Halloween basically feels like a carbon copy, using all the same techniques Bob Clark used (much more skillfully) four years earlier!

It really is a shame how Black Christmas has been mistreated and I guarantee that Halloween wouldn't be in existence without it. Black Christmas is the true mother of the slasher sub-genre that can't be missed.

On a side note...The remake, on the other hand, should be missed. Forever. Seriously, avoid it like the plague.

RATING: